Story #12 – Hope, Positivity and that Light at the End of the Tunnel
If someone would have told me to be hopeful and positive when I began my healing process, I would have rolled my eyes and thought to myself there is nothing to be hopeful about and certainly nothing positive ahead. How can there be any hope ahead from the damage done, the pain, the hurt, and the suffering?
My true healing process began just about 8 years ago. The main thing I focused on was me, I wanted to see a light at the end of the tunnel, I wanted to find hope and I wanted to find something good in the bad. So for well over 4 years I worked on it with a wonderful therapist. I identified all the bad. I relived all the horrible moments, I recalled things I never wanted to think about and I went places I promised myself I would never visit again.
By reliving my sexual abuse, by recalling some of the memories that were hidden away, for speaking about things that were never spoken about by me and sharing the most intimate of thoughts, I began to accept what had happened. I realized that one person abused me. The system surrounding the abuse/abuser was nothing to write home about, but that would be a fight for another day. I needed for me to be healthy, both mentally and physically, because both were suffering from holding in something that happened 25 years before.
I define the light at the end of the tunnel as being the time in this process when the bad dreams became further apart, when those horrific scents of the past were no longer permanently stuck in my nose, when the pajamas the little girl was wearing became faded and the color of the flowers had become a question of pink or yellow?
I am a lucky one, today I can say I have hope and there is much to be positive about. With healing comes growth, with healing comes strength, with healing comes the power to fight.
I remind myself that yes days can go by when the first thing I think about isnt the abuse. I am then reminded that I have to remain focused on me, I am #1 in my life, not the abuser. I accept the abuse will always be there, it is a part of me and my past. It is something I can share openly now and no longer my little secret.
Most of all I understand that by being able to do all this, there is positive hope in my life and that light at the end of the tunnel gets brighter with each healing day.
Yet my biggest hope remains that all those who have suffered at the hands of an abuser can one day see that light at the end of the tunnel too!