The Secrets I Kept for Fear of those in Authority

A little child is curled up in a ball... sitting in a corner... of the playroom on the stage steps.. this was her place for years... this little girl is me... all she could do was cry... she had no one to go to... who could help her... she hears the rosary beads... outside the door... and wonders... if the nuns is coming to get her... the door opens... please do not hurt me... she says to herself... I must not show my face... they do not like you looking at them... she get her whip out... from behind her back... and asks me why... I am there... I can not talk... for I know if I do... I will get more thrashings... I don't know what to say... or do... I stand up... and my eyes never leave the floor... she gets me by my hair... and drags me out of the room... I am trying to hold my hair... so as it does not hurt so much... then she thumbs me one... across my ears... with her closed fist... I scream out in pain... I feel dizzy... I fall to the floor... this happened so many times to me... they burst my eardrums.... and I am deaf in my right ear... because of it...

every time I heard... their rosary beads... I would wet my bloomers... they were navy blue... so big they were... that they would... come down to my knees... I could not wash them... only at night times... and then I would sleep on them... to get them dry... for the morning... I did this because... when I use to leave them on the pipes... they were gone... and dirty ones... would be there... I would have to wear them... or none at all...

Yes the many secrets I kept... in fear that I would be told that I was a liar... as well as I was the evil one.. in the eys of God... and how I did not want to tell anyone ever... because to question the priest... was to question God... So therefore I knew that I would be told yet again... that the devil was in me... and he had made me do it...

How does a child know who to turn to... when the Catholic Church... the priest and also the nuns... are doing these horrible things to them... it has taken me years... to confront my abusers... and still I can not say to them yet...

YOU DID THIS TO ME.

The church for me was my safe place... when I was a little child... but since I was sexual abuse by a priest... I can not go to Mass or stay there... I can not even go to church for Christmas Mass... it kills me to go to church... I just cry... and what the priest did to me... flows back so I leave....

Does the Catholic Church... really know how their abuse... of the priest... and the nuns... have effected us in the long run?...

This abuse of the Catholic Church... started in 1943 to 1965... and my life as being a life of hell on earth... I have not... and can not forget... what I was put though... by the priest and nuns...

I was working for the Grays... and I was 19years old... I was taking nightmares every night... and crying at night... I did not know what was wrong with me... The nightmares were about Nazareth House nuns/priest,...at that time I could not get what happened to me... out of my mind... and what the priest had done to me... I did not want to go to Timaru.... because I though the priest... would come again to see me... I never went out... So I broke the big plate... in the water... and then with the sharp edge... of the plate... I slashed my right wrist... When I saw all the blood... I got frighten... so I got a nappy... and wrapped it around my arm... and then run to the next door neighbors... who took me to Timaru Hospital... were I stayed for about 2weeks or more... The Dr. kept asking me if I was committing suicide... I was so scared... about what they would do to me... so I kept saying no...

Thank god the priest did not come... because I know I would have made... a better job of killing myself... When I was on the operation table... I could see myself being operated on... I was floating in a bright light...looking down at myself... To this day... I am sure that I had died... away back then.. if only the Dr. had left me to die... I would not be doing this now...

I also... tried to kill myself... when I was 12years old... I tried to jump... out of the 2nd floor... dormitory window... they were nailed down... why was that?... did other girls try as well as me... before I went there... I saw two girls... pushed down the stairs bu one of the nuns... the police came... and we were locked in the classroom... we never saw the girls again...

Ann Free Spirit = Ann